14 %

For the last couple of weeks (since my holiday started I suppose) I can't seem to have enough stuff on my mind. When I'm watching tv I have to do something else too; knot a bracelet, read a book, check my mail, delete old text messages, rummage through the room.. When I'm surfin on the web I need to have the telly on for some background noise it seems. I don't know what this restlessness is, it kind of makes me feel like the sea sometimes. 13%

And the restlessness of .. something.. in my bones. Don't know what exactly it is, a specific kind of restlessness.. out of fear maybe. Out of fear for acceptance, well rather the lack of acceptance then. Fear of never accepting myself and seeing myself as cool or awesome (making me wish I was Barney Stinson) (well I'd wish for that anyway). Maybe I still haven't outgrown this piece of shizle called puberty, but it feels like something else. And it kind of makes me feel like the sea sometimes. 12%

I sometimes wish I could see myself as other do, since I have the feeling I will never be good enough for myself, like some others, who in my eyes are, the best things since sliced bread. It would be nice if I could only see myself as a piece of sliced bread. I am working on it though, I think. I mean, what's the baby-steps-plan for seeing yourself as sliced bread? Where's your good advice now dr. Phil? Oh life, with all your ups and downs and round-a-bouts with ways to choose from, sometimes you make me feel like the sea. 10%

Do you know sometimes when you're in bed, after a day of swimming, you are lying still and it still feels like you are in the water? But it's calms, and even though thinking about it might make it annoying and nauseating, eventually you fall asleep in a relaxing way, perhaps kind of feeling like the sea. A calm one, with no icebergs to sink your boat, no whirlpools to suck you in, no bermuda triangles to make you disappear from the sight of the world forever.. just a calm sea. 8%

Totally sounds like I'm planning on committing suicide now of course. Let me assure; no. ;-)

And the counting down was also not a count down to a time bomb exploding, it is just the count down of my battery. (still 8%)

But my own is running even lower, at 3% I would say, which makes it time to sleep. YESSSSSSSS sleepytimes.

Too bad I haven't swum today.

Love,

Fleur 7%